Memory Leak

Holy crap, has it really been 5 months since I last posted? I’m a pathetic blogger…

I’ve been working on new projects and decided I’d let what little portion of the world that reads this site know something about them. Besides Aldahar (which is going pretty well and might reach public beta in the next few years), I’ve started work on a web-based (à la WarFish) version of Settlers of Catan (I had no idea how addicting this game was until I played it the first time) which I call Colony Islands, as well as a Java-based representation of a popular collectible-card game. I suppose it’s a curse of a programming freak such as myself to constantly commit to projects which end up taking a great deal of time more than originally thought. Getting in the way, of course, are work (Whoo, getting paid!), hanging out with friends, and reading other people’s blogs.

A side topic, which is actually what gave me the incentive to write this post in the first place, is thoughts on my willingness to help people, even when I know it will hurt me. I keep in seldom contact with a friend who I am always willing to help but has a tendency to let me down. For instance, I drove 1.5 hours away (which is a feat for me, especially during the night) to give this friend an emergency pick-up due to parental problems. Only when I arrived and waited for an hour did I find out that the arrival time had been delayed for 6 hours past midnight. I’d chalk this up to bad communication or coincidence, but similar situations have come up often enough to know that I’m seen as merely a dependable rescuer and not as a friend.

This raises the question: why do I do it? If I know I’m going to get hurt, why do I commit myself to it. Perhaps I feel better being taken advantage of rather than letting someone down? Perhaps I derive some perverse pleasure from putting myself into situations like this? I won’t know without some deep introspection, and I’m not up for that kind of thing often. The wildly popular V (whose opinion on such matters seem to fit very well with what I would consider as ideal for myself, not that I know the author personally) would tell me that I need to dump this friend and move on with my life.

Crap, I just noticed that one of V’s catch-phrases was “Because Obsessing Over My Opinions is Easier Than Forming Your Own”…

I’ve released a new version of my slideshow extension for Firefox which works with version 3, beta 1. I’ve also updated my description of the Guifications Trillian theme. Check out my Projects page for more info and links to download.

On this day, in the United States, we give thanks in honor of Squanto and members of American tribes giving assistance to the settlers of Plymouth Colony in 1621. For those who believe in a Judeo-Christian deity, thanks is also given “to the Author of Life who granted our forefathers safe passage to this land, who gives every man, woman, and child on the face of the Earth the gift of freedom, and who watches over our nation every day.” (George W. Bush, http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2007/11/20071119-9.html)

Today, I give thanks to my family, who has enabled me to become who I am; the support of my parents, my brother, and my extended family has allowed me to become a kind and intelligent person, as they have shielded me from many of life’s worries so that I may pursue my own dreams. Today, I give thanks to my friends, who enables me to be who I should be; the support of my closest friends guides me in my life decisions and encourages me to accomplish my dreams.

In other news, I’m working on a bunch of new projects, hence the lack of updates. Hopefully, you’ll get to see some nifty screen-shots soon.

I recently came back from Las Vegas, and I took quite a few pictures. To check them out, go to my Las Vegas 2007 page.

Recently, an article was written for the Towson Towerlight about Liz. A link to the article can be found on my Elizabeth Juhasz page.

When I started college, I was confidant in my future: I wanted to be a computer scientist. I started out thinking I would also major in mathematics, but I downgraded to a minor, and eventually, dropped it completely due to disinterest. In spite of this, I always thought that, after graduation, I would get a job and just continue into the “real world”. Now that I’m actually out of college, however, I feel much differently. The job I came out of college with turned out to be terrible, and I’m no longer sure I want to be a computer scientist. This isn’t to say that I don’t want to work with computers: I am still one of the most skilled computer technicians I know and I still love to write small programs to automate tasks. I no longer feel the same zeal, though, towards advancing the field of computer science. The current state of computer-related jobs is deplorable (candidates with extensive experience are sought for menial jobs with low pay and no job-security) and research in computer science doesn’t seem interesting.

After some self-analysis and research, I decided that a different field where I can apply my computer skills towards a meaningful end would be much better. One particular field that caught my attention is BCI research, the study of driving computer circuits using connections with a brain. Initial research in this field involved connecting a monkey’s brain to a computer which drove a mechanical arm; more information can be found in the Wikipedia article. To that end, I have registered for an introductory-level biology class and plan to take biology classes part time until I am able to enter graduate school. Of course, since I no longer have a scholarship, I’ll have to get a part-time job to pay for classes and my bills.

One of the things I miss the most about my college years is my proximity to friends. I still keep in touch with most of the friends I had during college, but now that I live at home, I’m much farther from those who still live on campus or who have also moved back home. I didn’t really know one particular friend too well before my last semester living on campus, but, during that last semester, I started to talk to her more often, eventually getting a phone number so the two of us could talk during the summer. Even before the summer started, I realized I liked her, but was too timid to approach her. I also invented a reason to wait until the fall semester started before approaching her; since she lived so far away from me (6 hours by driving), I didn’t want either of us unable to see the other when we wanted. My other friends decided that I needed deal with this rather than put it off, as I am wont to do, and one of them even approached her for me. I’m aware that isn’t usually a good way to handle things, but in this case, it resulted in something positive: I went to visit her on Monday and we’re “officially” dating now.

If you’re not interested in hearing mushy feelings, find a different webpage to read. It’s truly amazing the feelings one can have in a relationship. Even the simple thought of her makes any problem I’m having seem trivial, and I always come out of it in a better mood. I’m visiting her this weekend, and I hope that I can visit more frequently; a job and gas prices will be big factors in determining that. Of course, I still have to let everyone else know about it, and, considering my lax memory, it may take a while.

It occurs to me that I ask for feedback in other sections of my site, but I’ve provided no way to contact me, especially since I’ve disabled commenting on any of my entries. If you want to e-mail me, my address is chromus AT gmail DOT com. Sorry for those expecting a link, but I prefer that spam-spiders fail when they try to harvest from my site.

On 2006 June 20 Liz’s funeral was held. I tried to arrive as early as I could, but I got lost a few times while driving there, so quite a few people had already arrived before I had. I met Liz’s siblings on the corner outside the church, along with Liz’s best friend. They were hiding from the tear-inducing crowd in the basement; I wanted to do the same, but I felt like I should talk to everyone and see where I could help. I was glad to see so many people come and show support for the family. Right up until the end, I managed to keep myself distracted by talking with everyone else and thinking of others, but as the service was ending, I broke down in one of my friend’s arms. It was so hard, and still is, coming to terms with this loss.

After the service, I went to the Juhasz house and spent some time with the family. I ended up going out to a diner with the siblings and best friend to get some ice cream, but it was too late for me to drive home by the time I got back. Due to that, I spent the night at the Juhasz house at the invitation of her parents. The only spot to sleep in, however, was Liz’s bed in the basement. Most people groan when I mention this to them, presumably because they think it would make me feel bad, but in reality, it was somewhat comforting. Having so many of her possessions so close to me actually helped me feel a little better.

The next morning, I woke and got ready to visit the burial site. It was a much smaller ceremony since it wasn’t as widely advertised and took place quite far from the church. I broke down again, after the small speech at the burial, but not quite as severely as the night before. Afterwards, a luncheon was held at a nearby banquet hall. It was uneventful, after which I went back to the Juhasz house. At this point, my parents, who hadn’t seen me in 48 hours, were worried, so I got in contact with them and let them know I was alright and would be coming home that night. After arriving at the Juhasz house and helping them finish off some of the massive amount of food they received from friends, I proceeded home.

I’ve spent much of my time since then putting together everything I can find about Liz. What I’ve collected so far can be found at my Elizabeth Juhasz page. Most of my work has been asking for pictures of her from friends and family, but I have also collected some documents. I have a few audio files, but I’m waiting on permission to release them before I put them online.

Plans are being made to make a trip to the burial site on her birthday. Only after her father mentioned it to me did I realize that this would have marked her 21st birthday; he plans on bringing up a bottle and knocking it back in her honor. I’m aware that 21 is just a number, but the meaning of that age saddens me: Liz had been looking forward to reaching the age of independence so much.

All of us have heard it: you only appreciate something the most after you’ve lost it. In my case, I have only now felt how important someone is to me, now that they have died. We were so close that, even though we weren’t related by blood, we shared our lives like we were. I learned all of her innermost secrets and desires, and tried to help her with anything within my power to do so. I love you so much, Elizabeth Juhasz, and I miss you. Rest in peace.

On the 25th of May, I traded in one gold key for another. My original key was the brass key, which appeared gold when I cleaned it, to my dorm room; I didn’t realize until I handed it over how much that key meant to me. Even though the key had not remained the same over the years, (I had to exchange it for another key when the locks were replaced) its meaning was always the same to me; it represented my residence in a dorm, a place where I was surrounded by friends and could always have a conversation or find something to do. Even during the summers, when I had to turn in my key, I knew I’d get another one as soon as I arrived again in the fall, that I only had to put up with the loneliness of the break for a few months. This time, though, I turned in the key for the last time. Never again will I live just a few minutes from so many friends, never again will I make nightly trips to the on-campus convenience store to pick up soda and snacks, and never again will I be able to have inane philosophical discussions at 1 AM.

The same day, I was inducted into Phi Beta Kappa, the oldest honor’s society in the United States. A key with various symbols engraved on it is PBK’s symbol, representing principles embodied by its members, one of which is the life-long pursuit of knowledge, especially in the liberal arts. This key doesn’t open any literal doors, but membership in PBK, represented by the key, has the potential to open many metaphorical doors. Since I’m a computer science student, I have a feeling that I may have made a mistake becoming a member. Though I haven’t actually received a key, I was given an order form that I may use to obtain one made with gold. One question stands out in my mind: how will my new golden key compare to my old?